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By Susan K Gower Remember the news headline from a few months ago about the 2 year old who called 911 to report that his grandmother was not feeling well? It was an amazing story, in part because someone, perhaps the grandmother herself, armed that child with the self-assurance and knowledge to face a scary situation, make a decision quickly, and act on that decision. That child has confidence. What can you do to encourage that kind of confidence in your grandchild? Perhaps more than you think. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, grandparents can play a major role in nurturing healthy self-esteem in children. No matter how far away you are, you can have a powerful influence on a grandchild. Gretchen Straw, associate research director of the AARP Research Group reports that, “The state of American grandparenting is strong. Most grandparents see their grandchildren regularly and connect in a number of ways. The relationship is a rewarding one. Grandparents report that they are serving as a companion or friend to a grandchild, talking, giving advice and engaging in all kinds of activities.” In order to nurture self confidence in others, it helps to understand what confidence is. “Confidence is a belief in oneself,” says Melissa Froehner, coauthor of Teen Esteem (Impact Publishers, 1992). “Someone who has it doesn’t need to be successful at doing something... but is willing to try.” Children who lack self-esteem are less likely to place themselves in new situations, she adds, and therefore have fewer learning opportunities. You may think that boosting confidence is simply a matter of praise, but consider your compliments carefully. Everybody needs encouragement, but be careful that you do not exaggerate, (that’s the best drawing I’ve ever seen!) or repeat a “praise phrase” until it becomes meaningless (Great Job! Good Effort!) If the child is just doing what he should, such as picking up his towel, a simple “thanks,” may be better. “Kids can smell BS just as adults can,” notes Froehner. And an overdose of generalized compliments can lead grandchildren to dismiss them. Be mindful of when and how often you deliver praise to keep a grandchild’s reaction from becoming “Oh, you’re just saying that because you’re my grandma!” A confident child is not one who has never failed, but rather one who has learned to accept failure. It is a natural instinct to want to rescue a grandchild from being hurt, making mistakes, or simply not winning a game. But intervening, manipulating the situation or removing all obstacles does not do your grandchild any favors. Children need to know that it is okay to play, take risks and even fail without adult intervention. Instead, of running to the rescue, allow your grandchild to see you make a little mistake now and then. Show them how to face failure and go on. Help a discouraged child see that a positive attitude has more to do with how you react and respond to events than the events themselves. Help her set a new, reachable goal and then help her work towards it. A small success at the right time can reap big rewards in confidence. Another important skill that can help a child become more competent and confident is problem solving. If a grandchild comes to you with a problem, before solving the problem or giving advice, ask how he thinks the problem could be solved. Discuss different ways to solve the problem and decide which approach to try first, then second. In that way, you are acknowledging that the first attempt may not succeed. Learning to make choices for oneself is also important. Allowing your grandchild to make small, age appropriate choices can also help her gain confidence in her own judgment. Too much control at too young an age can be unnerving for both you and the child, but even small children can be allowed to choose between pasta and a sandwich for lunch. When your child gets the chance to make choices from a young age, he’ll gain confidence in his own good judgment. One of the most powerful tools for building self-confidence is helping others. Ask for your grandchild’s help with anything from small household chores to special projects, such as a yard sale. It not only builds a sense of competence, but also gives a child a proud feeling when she can help someone she loves – you. Look for multi-generational volunteer opportunities and sign up together. Making a difference in the world together can be tremendously fulfilling and will strengthen the bond between you. It also expands your grandchild’s knowledge of the big, complex world around her. Such opportunities can then lead to discussions about life goals or future careers. Your grandchild’s dreams or expectations may seem unrealistic to you, but don’t discourage him. He will probably change his mind several times before he’s finished, but everyone should have some dreams. If you have more than one grandchild, it is vitally important that you see each child as an individual. Avoid either labeling (you’re the smart one!) or over praising a grandchild. Try not to play favorites. Favoritism can affect grandchildren in surprising ways. Being the grandchild who is out of favor gives a child a sense of unfairness in the world, a sense that no matter what, he will always be second best. But research shows that the child who is favored may also suffer. Singling out a child for excessive attention can lead to insecurity or anxiety, or feelings of entitlement. Instead, try to see and love each child for his or her unique qualities. Try to notice something you like about each child and acknowledge it to him and to others. Show grandchildren that you accept them just as they are. Your constant, unconditional love can lead to a self-confident grandchild. And that’s a gift for both of you. |
Confident Kids