Learning  the Language of the Next  Generation

By Susan K. Gower

-D0 U wnt 2 7LK 2 y0r grandchild?
-U d0?
-D0 U wnt 2 undRstNd w0t y0r grandchild iz sAN?
-I wnt 2 undRstNd evry wrd he sAz.
-thN, frNd, U had BetA Lern d lingo!

If you want to communicate with your grandchild, it helps to know what he is talking about.  Communicating with someone two generations younger can be a challenge, but if you can open up the lines of communication, you just might have a beginning of a great conversation with your grandchild about issues affecting her, your family and the world. In the process, your grandchild may discover that you have something interesting to say.

Kids today speak a whole new language, sending text messages from their phones and instant messages from their computers.  Ask almost any teen or preteen what BRB (be right back) or TTYL (talk to you later) means.  The slang and abbreviations that make up this form of language is now making its way into kids’ schoolwork and even into SAT essays and college admission applications.

Texting is a modern day form of shorthand, in which letters are removed and words are shortened. It is a faster form of communication that traditional writing, and a way to communicate instead of making a phone call. Text messages are quick little messages kids send for the purpose of keeping up with their friends. Instant messaging is a way to text messages others using the computer. Webspeak, or as gamers and computer connoisseurs call it, “leetspeak” or “1337speak,” is a more complex form of messaging. It has all the allure of a secret code, a private, kids only, language. Although most of these messages are exchanged between young people, kids who are on the go say they more likely to keep in touch with their parents if they can text or IM them.

For most of us, it just looks too confusing. But even a little knowledge can open doors between you and your grandchild, and that can have a huge impact on your grandchild’s life. According to recent studies at the University of Minnesota,  “In a cross-sequential study spanning 5th-12th grade, 220 working and middle class youth provided reports on their experience at 16,477 random moments in their lives.  Amount of time spent with family was found to decrease from 35% to 14% of waking hours across this age period, indicating disengagement.  However, transformation and continued connection were evident in stability across age in time talking and alone with parents; an age increase in family conversation about interpersonal issues, particularly for girls; and with age, adolescents’ more frequent perception of themselves as leading interactions.  After a decrease in early adolescence, older teens reported more favorable affect in themselves and others during family interactions.”

According to “Child Trends,” a report on social competency in adolescence, by Elizabeth C. Hair, Justin Jager and Sarah Garett, many teens recognize the importance of non-parent familial adults, in particular, their relationships with grandparents. “Research also suggests that grandparents can play important functional roles as well. Varying by family situations, grandparents can serve as key and arguably necessary sources of support and influence.” The study also acknowledges, however, that “Due to generational differences and developmental changes in both the grandchild and grandparents, maintaining quality grandchild-grandparent relationships can be difficult.”  The authors conclude that “families should build bridges between the old and the young.”

Building bridges is, after all, what families are all about. But that doesn’t make it easy.  Talking to someone of another generation can be difficult and grandparents may feel, and be perceived as, clueless and cut off.  In our diverse and fast paced life, it can be hard to find a common ground between grandparents and grandchildren, particularly when a child’s preferred form of communication involves text messages or similar types of messaging.

So is it all about the technology?

No.

Many grandparents have wonderful, deep bonds with their grandchildren.  Children who really get to know their grandparents have a sense of history and family that helps them feel they belong and are part of something bigger than themselves. If grandparents are not serving in the primary parenting role, they can communicate with their grandchildren in a different way, which may mean that the kids are more likely to listen.

Learning to text is fun. But communication goes deeper. For starters, it may help to make your own list of the Golden Rules of Communication.  Your list might look something like this:

1. Listen. No, really listen.  Try to spend time with your grandchild away from the television, or other distractions.  Take a drive, just the two of you.  Talks don’t have to be long to be effective. The key is to let your grandchild know that you will listen whenever he wants to talk.
   
2. Don’t be judgmental.  Don’t think it is your job, or your duty, to express your disapproval.  If the child thinks you will immediately begin to rant when certain issues are raised, you will never hear about them.  Listen, and then calmly suggest alternatives. You can say what you think, as long as you do it calmly, after fully hearing the child out.
   
3. Pay attention to language.  Not the child’s, yours. Try to avoid telling her what she did wrong, accusing, assigning blame and similar tactics that can shut a conversation down in record time.
   
4. Have respect for the child’s ideas.  Let go of your ideas of what the child should like, or want. 
   Let him know you support him.  If you were a high school football star and your grandchild is into music, talk about music. Don’t compare him to yourself, his father, or his brother.   
   
5. Compromise, when necessary or possible.  If the child always loses the argument, what’s the point in discussing it?  Try to find a way to accommodate the child’s wishes. Ask yourself whether it really matters.
   
6. Show care and concern. This is perhaps the single most important thing you can do to foster communication.
   
7. Learn to read non-verbal clues.
   
8. Make sure your grandchild knows you love her for who she is.
   
9. Clarify.  If you have no idea what your grandchild is talking about, clarify. One way to do this is to rephrase - paraphrasing back to the child what you think he said. 
   
10. Stick with it.  Even if you think it is going badly. Even if the child is uncommunicative, or you think he doesn’t like you or doesn’t want to talk to you, stick with it.  Never give up.

So learn a new language today. Try this phrase out on a grandchild: “I luv U.” Everybody understands that.

Resources:

Websites like www.transl8it.com and www.lingo2word.com translate Web speech into plain English and vice versa.

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