Community Voices
Child Focused Parenting Plan
Putting Your Children First in Your Divorce

By Blake Gutzke, Tressler Law, LLC

Most children - in fact, most adults - still dream of being part of a Rockwellian family, with a mommy and a daddy, several happy children, and a dog, all living blissfully under one roof. But as the American divorce rate skyrockets, that dream is becoming a reality for fewer and fewer families.* With a little help from your family law attorney you can develop a parenting plan that will work for both parents as well as the children involved.

The definition of family has changed over the years, but children’s needs during and after a divorce have remained the same, they need your love and support. Your children need to know and believe that they will continue to be loved, cared for and safe. There should be honest conversations with your children, even though talking to them about divorce is difficult. Simply put, there are ways to talk about and develop a parenting plan that works and keeps your children front and center.

The following tips can help both the children and parents deal with the challenge and stress of these conversations.2

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute
• Tell your children together
• Keep things simple and straightforward
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone
• Reassure your children that you both still love them and will always be their parents
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the children.

Change during a divorce is inevitable. The key to helping your children accept the changes that accompany separation and divorce is to work hard to develop a parenting agreement that everyone feels is fair and workable. Children can adapt to their changed circumstances and to the differences in their parents’ living arrangements, house rules, and expectations if they see that you are doing your best to be sensitive to their needs. Children can accept that:**

• The rules in one household are not necessarily the same as the other
• Each parent is their own person and has their own style, strengths and weaknesses, and
• Their needs can be met even if their parents live in different homes, because they will have an expanding world of people who love and support them.

Here are three ways to help your children through this difficult time. First, treat each child as an individual. Many parents assume that visits should always be the same for each child, and that children should always visit their parents together. Parents, however, can do their children a great service by tailoring some visits to meet the needs, personalities, and interest of only one child at a time. **

Second, let children take turns being the center of your attention. You may not be able to schedule separate visits for your children. You can still carve out special time for each child by: **

• Setting aside a small amount of time for each child during each visit
• Having the children take turns deciding which activities everyone will engage in during your visits, or
• Staggering the arrival or departure times for each child (school or other activity schedules may facilitate this) to allow special time for each child.

Third, help children maintain good relationships with both parents. If we think of ourselves as part our mother and part our father, it may be easier to see how conflicting and frightening it can be to have one part inside of us hate the other part that is also inside. To minimize any “loyalty” issues for your children, try to:**

• Balance the time that your children spend in each home.
• Be aware of what your children’s lives are like in each home.
• Strengthen your children’s relationship with each parent, and
• Reduce your children’s exposure to the conflict between you and the other parent.

These are just a few ways to develop and build a parenting plan that is beneficial for all involved. There are many other resources to help with this process. Start with your family law attorney who knows what is acceptable in the eyes of the court and how to get that in a written agreement so there won’t be any reneging from the other parent.

You can also look to a “Children’s Bill of Rights” for helpful advice on how to refocus your attention from yourself or soon-to-be ex to your children. Your public or law library will also have resources on creating a successful parenting plan. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (www.aaml.org) has released “A Model Parenting Plan” which is a comprehensive guide to establishing a parenting plan during divorce that can be purchased from their website. Helping your children transition from one household to two doesn’t have to be as difficult as it sounds, with a little guidance from an attorney and a little preparation from both parents the whole family will benefit.

* AAML - Stepping Back From Anger

** Building a Parenting Agreement that Works: How to put your kids first when your marriage doesn’t last.

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