Tween/Teen Times
Undue Influence
By Julie Pfitzinger

“Claire, what would you rather be?” Alicia asked. “A friendless loser or a person with tons of friends who secretly don’t like you?”
“A person with tons of friends who secretly don’t like me,” she said quickly.
The other girls exchanged a look and Massie couldn’t decide if she thought Claire’s honesty was brave or stupid.
“Congratulations, you’re halfway there. The ‘friends’ part is the only thing you’re missing,” Alicia tossed off coolly.

In this revealing exchange taken from The Clique, a book by Lisi Harrison that is the first in a popular tween series focusing on the friendships of four seventh grade girls, Claire hits it right on the head when it comes to explaining just how important friends – whether sincere or not – are to tweens and teens.  It’s the perception of being “popular” that matters most; the reality can be something entirely different, but that is not as critical.

Parents of girls (and to a slightly lesser extent boys) in this age group know how easily swayed their daughters can be by a glimmer of hope that might lead them to the popular crowd, and how a strong personality in a particular social group can sometimes wield a rather unbelievable amount of influence.

According to an article adapted by Colleen Gengler called “Peer Pressure…An Often Misunderstood Concept” in Positive Parenting of Teens, produced by the University of Minnesota Extension Service, research indicates that while teens are more likely to choose like-minded friends, mutual reinforcement comes into play when dealing with peer influence. In other words, Gengler writes, it’s really not “who” the negative influence is but “why” your teen was initially attracted to a friend or friends that you as a parent might question.  Are they in the “popular” group?  Are they the best athletes in the class or do they have certain privileges based on affluence (just the “right” clothes, cell phone, etc.) that are attractive to your child?

Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your tween or teen is important when it comes to the subject of their friends.  When kids have a strong relationship with parents, they are more likely to choose friends they know their parents will like.  And if there is one that seems to pose a problem, having a constructive conversation about your concerns will likely be easier if the parent/child relationship is solid. Ask the child what exactly it is about this friend that they genuinely like because when it comes down to what they really like, it might simply be the “status” of being this particular teen’s friend.

Don’t underestimate the power of your own parent radar when evaluating a friend or acquaintance of your teen that you worry might be a negative influence. When I was about ten years old, I had a neighborhood friend named “Lori” who was quite a bit more sophisticated than I was. One of her favorite games to play was one she referred to as Pregnant Teenager. I’m not making this up.  She’d convince me to tuck a throw pillow under my t-shirt and while I don’t remember the exact sort of dialogue we’d have (shopping for baby clothes was always discussed), the gist of the game was that we were simply to enjoy our condition and walk around in her basement being “pregnant.”

Well, after I casually mentioned this game to my mom, she decided it would be a good idea if I took a break from Lori for a while. I balked a little, but was soon on to the next thing and as it turned out, we didn’t spend any time together after that (much to my mom’s relief, I imagine).  It will probably not surprise you to learn that Lori did in fact have a baby when she was a teenager.

While as parents we want to give our children’s friends the benefit of the doubt and spend a little time getting to know them before moving in to cut off a friendship (which could also damage our own relationships with our kids), we shouldn’t hesitate to follow our instincts if there is legitimate cause for concern.

In most cases, early adolescence (seventh through ninth grade) is prime time for kids to succumb to peer pressure since as they reach their older teen years, most have developed greater self-confidence and a sense of values that will allow them to more successfully combat negative influences from other kids. 

However, it’s still a good idea for parents to get to know their teen’s friends and continue to have conversations with their teen about those friends: their interests, if they have an after school job or are involved in sports, what their plans might be after they graduate from high school.  If any red flags pop up, keep an eye on the situation and watch for changes in the friendship: spending a lot more time together, the two hanging out with an entirely different crowd (especially if that crowd is older) or being secretive about social activities. 

As much as we want to protect our children from negative relationships, figuring out the qualities that are important in a true friend is part of their journey to adulthood since the time will come – during their college years and beyond – when we really won’t know their friends very well.  All we can do is help prepare them to discern the “true” from the “false.”

Tips for Parents

on How to Have a Positive Influence on Tween/Teen Friendships

• Know your adolescent’s friends and welcome them into your home. This will help your teen see that you want to get to know the important people in their life.
  
• Don’t jump to hasty conclusions based on dress, appearance, language or interests. Negative comments from parents can cause the teen and their friends to retreat, when the kids may just be “trying on” different social identities to show their independence.
  
• Make room for peer activities. Young people need time with their friends. Don’t feel hurt if your teen doesn’t want to accompany you to every family event. Consider having your teen invite a friend along occasionally.
  
• If your child is hanging out with a friend you are concerned about, monitor activities more closely.  Perhaps you might want to refrain from welcoming that friend with open arms.  Your response will cue in your teen.

   Source: Positive Parenting of Teens
University of Minnesota Extension Service

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