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“Summer lovin, had me a blast- Summer lovin, happened so fast. I met a girl crazy for me – I met a boy, cute as can be. Summer days driftin’ away to uh-oh, those summer nights…” Who doesn’t remember these lyrics from the popular John Travolta/ Olivia Newton-John duet in “Grease?” If you saw this movie when you were a teenager, the urgency and romantic vibe of this patently goofy song came through loud and clear. Now, if you are the parent of a teenager, it resonates in an entirely different way… perhaps especially the “uh-oh” line. “Danny and Sandy” were definitely on to something since summertime can offer many opportunities for your teen to develop his or her first serious crush or even display interest in dipping a toe into the dating pool. Whether it’s at summer camp, hanging out at the mall, on a family vacation or at a summer job, a teen might encounter someone who provokes new feelings or causes a romantic “spark” to ignite for the very first time. So, parents, are you ready? You will be if you and your teen have worked to keep the lines of communication open, according to Peter Benson, Ph.D., president and CEO of Search Institute in Minneapolis. “If there is a family climate of support and respect that already exists, I really don’t think that parents should be afraid of their teen dating. It’s a natural step for them,” says Benson. “And when families have set up easy ways for conversation to happen, such as family dinners or a Saturday breakfast, openness and communication are likely already thriving so this is just another topic.” Benson says it’s a good idea to bring up the subject of dating in general terms when a child is in the early teen years. “It might be as simple as asking your teen ‘what appeals to you about dating?’ but also ‘what frightens you about it?’” he says. “Both boys and girls in those early years tend to have a natural ambivalence about dating, so if you ask them – in a non-judgmental way – what they are thinking, it can help them share their feelings.” Typically, the dating discussion gains a bit more traction when it becomes apparent that your teen has identified a particular person who may have piqued their interest. As a parent, you will probably be aware when this has happened, whether they really spill on the subject or not. This is the time when Benson suggests that you can become a little more specific in your conversation. “Ask your teen: What do you like about him? What does he like about you?,” says Benson. “This helps your teen probe the subject a little more deeply so they can determine if they are attracted to something with this other person.” It’s also a good idea to revisit another version of this conversation after your teen has gone on a first date with this special person, says Benson. “Find out if anything surprised them about the experience. Is what was appealing about him still appealing – or does something turn you off about him now? This helps the teen process the experience.” Between these ‘what do you think?’ and ‘how was the date?’ conversations, there is another important element that parents must bring to the table – the rules. “This is definitely a conversation that teens and parents need to have before that first date,” explains Benson. Some key discussion points should include where the couple is going, who they are going to be with (in other words, will they be with a group or on their own), a phone number where they can be reached (some parents also request land line numbers since a cell phone call can be taken anywhere), how they are getting to their destination and back, etc. “It’s important to have your teen not only agree to the rules, but also consider asking them to articulate these rules back to you so you know that everything is clearly understood,” says Benson. “While there can be a democracy in setting up the rules, there should be a firmness when it comes to applying them.” Another valuable discussion for parents and teens revolves around the topic of compromising situations. “Engage in some role-playing so that teens might have some idea of what to do if their date breaks out a 6-pack of beer, for example, or starts trying to move things to another level physically,” says Benson. “Through role playing, they can commit themselves to their personal boundaries, or develop their ‘voice’ on certain subjects so when challenging situations arise, they will have already considered what to do.” Finally, if trouble arises in paradise, parents can also help their teen talk through the idea of a break-up. “Check in with them to see how the relationship is feeling as it is going along,” says Benson. “If things have shifted, help them talk about the options that can change the trajectory.” Or in the words of Danny and Sandy, “It grew colder, that’s where it ends – so I told her we’d still be friends…summer dreams ripped at the seams, but oh, those summer nights.” (don’t forget to insert falsetto here). For more tips from the Search Institute about helping your teens build developmental assets or to locate additional parent resources on a variety of topics pertaining to children and adolescents, visit www.search-institute.org
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Tween/Teen Times