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By Toni Schutta Everyone makes mistakes and parents are no exception. In fact, several times a day you probably wish you could take back something you said to your child. That’s normal. There are some mistakes you may be making, however, that could harm your child in the long run. Consider this: fifty percent of college freshmen are exhibiting signs of clinical depression. There’s a dramatic rise in anxiety disorders, narcissism, suicide attempts, eating disorders, self-mutilation and substance abuse by college students. College counselors are swamped. Students are not prepared to cope with the demands of living independently, taking responsibility for their academic success and handling the performance pressure. Many factors are contributing to this breakdown, but here are seven mistakes parents are making and ideas to help prevent your child from being ill-prepared for the demands of independent living. Mistake #1: Inconsistent Discipline One day you give your child a time out for calling his sister “a creep.” The next time you let it slide. Another time you yell. It’s difficult for many parents to be consistent in discipline, yet consistent discipline is the bedrock of good parenting. Mistake #2: Negativity Too often parents emphasize and draw attention to the negative while positive actions go unnoticed. Today’s children face a lot of pressure to perform well in multiple areas. Your child’s self-esteem will suffer if there’s too much negativity. So, use more positive communication. Instead of: “Haven’t you gotten your room picked up yet? I can’t believe you’re so slow!” try: “I see that you got the books picked up. Good job! I’ll set the timer for 15 minutes and let’s see if you can get the rest picked up!” Look for opportunities to “catch them being good.” When your child is sharing well, say, “You’re doing an awesome job sharing with your brother right now!” instead of taking away toys when they’re not sharing well. Mistake # 3: The Free Ride Not every child has household chores. They should. A longitudinal study that followed kids from birth to young adulthood determined that the best predictor of a young adult’s success was whether he or she had chores and the earlier, the better. First, make a list of all the chores that kids can do. Then make a list of chores that are age-appropriate for your child. Have the child pick one or more chores to do. Teach the child how to do the chore, then do it side-by-side and eventually have the child do the chore independently. Write the chores down and hold the child accountable for completing them. Rotate chores frequently and do chores together to increase esprit de corps. A free e-course called, “How to Win the Chores Wars” is available at: www.familiesfirstcoaching.com. Mistake #4: Overscheduling Take a look at your calendar from last week and determine:
The number one factor in keeping children emotionally healthy, drug and alcohol free and out of trouble is the amount of time that they spend with their families, according to Dr. Bill Doherty, director of the University of Minnesota Family Social Science Department. If you find that children’s activities are consuming your calendar, you eat fewer than five meals a week together as a family, you have little time hanging out as a family or you or your child are stressed by the number of activities, set a limit on the number of activities your child is involved in. Mistake # 5: Lack of Sleep “An estimated 70 million American infants, children and teens are sleep deprived,” according to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka in her book, Sleepless in America. Children who are sleep-deprived are more prone to depression, under-perform academically, lack focus and problem-solving skills, are more defiant and prone to anger than well-rested children. Yet many parents are not ensuring that their child gets adequate sleep. First, do the math and see if your child is getting enough sleep. (Kurcinka’s guidelines are: Babies, 14-16 hours; Toddlers, 13+ hours; Preschoolers, 12+ hours; School-age children, 10+ hours; and Adolescents, 9.25 hours.) Mistake #6: Money Woes According to a Nellie Mae study released in the spring of 2008, half of all college students have four or more credit cards. The average balance is $3,173 while only 15% of college freshmen have a zero balance. Eighty-four percent of undergraduates said they needed more education on financial management. Parents need to provide that education before teenagers leave home. Many don’t. An excellent place to start is to provide your child with an allowance beginning around age six. Teach your child the skills of budgeting, saving and donating. Teach your child to be a wise consumer by creating a shopping list, avoiding impulse buys, doing comparison shopping and researching products. Find classes that teach your teenager further financial management skills. Mistake # 7: Not Listening Trying to understand other family members is one of the seven practices Stephen Covey names in the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. On average, Covey states, dads spend about five minutes a day in conversation with their child and moms spend about 20-minutes. Yet, children are spending about 54 hours a week plugged into electronic gadgets. To correct this mistake, set aside time each day to listen to your child. Listen with your heart. Stop passing judgment. Stop giving advice and use these listening skills:
If you find that you’re making some of the seven worst mistakes, begin by tackling one problem at a time. Set specific goals like increasing your child’s sleep by one hour per night and then work step-by-step with your child until you have successfully accomplished the goal. Then, develop a strategy for accomplishing your next goal. Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach, Author, National Speaker and Licensed Psychologist located in the Twin Cities. She has 15 years experience helping families find solutions that work. She can be found online at www.getparentinghelpnow.com and www.familiesfirstcoaching.com.
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