 Mastering the Maze
Exploring Senior Housing Choices
By Claire Yezbak Fadden
Over the past eight years, while caring for my aging mother, I’ve learned a lot about in-home services for seniors, assisted living residences, as well as board and care homes. This maze of housing options for the elderly is an enigma at best. The alternatives are varied. They range from minimal help at your parent’s home to full-time nursing home care. Before you start your walk through this labyrinth of housing, your first step should be to assess your parent’s current needs. Don’t focus solely on what she may need today. Keep an eye on the future and to what level of care she may need in the future months and years.
Before You Move Dad and Mom
Any lifestyle change is difficult. It is especially hard for older adults who have spent years and maybe decades in the same home in the same neighborhood. “There is a great fear of losing their independence. They may feel like they’re being put away and that they will lose control of their lives,” says John Scholte, the marketing and public relations director for the St. Paul’s Community Center. That’s why it’s so important to take this step sooner rather than later. “Your parents are already experiencing a life change,” says Scholte whose center accommodates some 350 residents in independent living, assisted living and skilled nursing care, as well as senior day programs. “The best way to ease into this change is to get educated first. Tour several residences before talking to your parent. You want to visit the facilities before the need hits,” he adds.
Taking time to familiarize yourself with the housing options will minimize some of the stress and avoid making a “hurried-up” decision. The better the siblings are informed, the easier it will be when the time comes to talk with mom and dad, advocates Scholte.
In the Meantime
If you’re not quite ready to make the move, you and your siblings might try some of these accommodations to extend your parent’s time in their current home.
Home Modification
Survey his home to determine if some modifications may improve the situation. The National Aging is Place Council’s website: www.ageinplace.org has resources that can help you determine what steps to take.
Get Involved
Are you able to do his grocery shopping? Is there a neighbor who can take out the trash or a teen who can mow the lawn? Consider how much involvement on your part it would take to keep dad safely in his home.
Home care. Maybe dad just needs some help with showering and cooking. There are many programs that provide services to seniors in their homes.
Adult Day Care
Investigate community centers that offer social activities, supervision and assistance with daily-living activities. If one of your concerns is that dad doesn’t get out to meet other people or has friends to do things with, check out adult day care. They also provide a wonderful respite for a caregiver.
What Are the Housing Options?
If you have exhausted all other viable choices for where dad should live or the time has come where dad can’t live on his own safely, then it’s time to get familiar with senior residence terminology.
In-Home Care:
Providers of both licensed health care services as well as non-medical assistance such as bathing, dressing, meals and transportation.
Retirement Communities: An independent living situation with amenities such as meals, transportation and activities that are provided as part of a monthly fee.
Assisted Living Facilities: Multi-unit dwelling where assistance with medications, daily activities and dressing is provided. Board & Care (Residential):
Single family homes licensed to provide assistance with medications, bathing, dressing, meals, etc. Depending on the license, usually no more than six to eight residents are at a facility.
Nursing Home: Licensed to provide skilled nursing care under the supervision of licensed nurses. They offer both short-term and long-term care. Also known as skilled-nursing facilities, their staff assists residents with mobility issues, eating, monitoring of vital signs, wound care and dressing changes.
Points to Ponder Before You Go Shopping
Keep an Eye to the Future – Don’t choose a facility for your parent based solely on their care needs today. Consider how your parent’s needs may change in six months, a year, or more.
Take a Tour – Call first and arrange a tour of the facility. You’ll get all the information from the administrator. If that facility is in the running, plan to drop by unannounced later, to get a less formal look at the residence.
How Does It Feel - Not Look – You want your parent cared for in a beautiful, clean and safe environment. Remember, however, that your ultimate goal is to provide excellent care for your parent. The place with the fanciest décor may not employ the most attentive, competent staff.
Speak to the Staff – Pay attention to how the staff interacts with other residents. Note how residents interact with each other. Ask about staff levels. Speak to some of the residences and get a feel about how they like living there. The quality of life your parent will enjoy is determined largely on how the staff members treat each resident.
Doing the Best You Can
Because of the wide range of housing choices for seniors, the more you understand about what each option offers, the better prepared you will be to make an educated choice – one that will help you sleep easier at night.
“In my experience, the best adjusted residents are the ones who made the decision on their own, before their children had to,” says Scholte. “In fact, the comment I hear most often is: ’I wish I’d done this sooner.’” Caring for the Caregiver
No matter how much you love your parents and your children, being a full-time caretaker will take its toll. Here are some ways to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of everyone else!
- Acknowledge your feelings. If you’re feeling resentful, over-burdened and stressed, maybe you’re trying to do too much. Reassess the “musts” in your day. Can any of them wait for another day or be done by someone else? Will anyone notice if they’re not done altogether?
- Ask for help. It may be something as simple as asking your teen to defrost the chicken for dinner or having your parent keep a written list of items he needs for you to pick up at the store. Simple requests can add up to big solutions.
- Take time for your spouse. You’re not the only one being sandwiched between generations. Your mate is shouldering some of the load. Whether he’s filling in for your turn at the carpool or she’s helping your mother send out Christmas cards, there’s always going to be something that needs to get done. Make a weekly date with your spouse, even if it’s just a 20-minute walk around the block. It’s important and good for you to take time to do things the two of you enjoy.
- Learn, learn, learn. There are more than 7 million people in the U.S. currently providing some type of elder care to a loved one. The wealth of information available to make elder caregiving easier is overwhelming. Investigate all these resources and take advantage of what others have learned the hard way.
- Make time to enjoy your life. Realize that, no matter how organized you are, you’ll never get it all done. There’s always going to be something else to do.
- Love yourself. Take comfort in the fact that what you are doing is from a loving and giving place in your heart. You can’t do it all, but what you do accomplish is done with affection, devotion and caring. Accept yourself by giving yourself a break. It’s the best gift you can give to your spouse, your kids and your parents.
Referrals and Resources
WEB
Family Caregiver Alliance
www.caregiver.org
National Alliance for Caregiving
www.caregiving.org
National Family Caregivers Association
www.nfcacares.org
Medicare
www.medicare.gov/Nursing/Overview.asp
AARP
601 E Street NW, Washington, DC 20049
www.aarp.org
Eldercare Locator
www.eldercare.gov
Children of Aging Parents (CAPS)
www.caps4caregivers.org
BOOKS
Your Aging Parents
By Maureen Osis
(Trafford Publishing)
How to Care for Aging Parents
By Virginia Morris
(Workman Publishing)
Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy?
By Joseph A. Ilardo, PhD, LCSW; Carole R.
Rothman, PhD. (VanderWyk & Burnham)
Elder Rage, or Take My Father . . . Please!
How To Survive Caring for Aging Parents
By Jacqueline Marcell (Impressive Press)
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