|
|
|
|
Did you hear . . . ?” The recent holiday greetings had the usual good wishes and news of exotic travel, retirement parties, and cute grandchildren. But they also brought a fair amount of bad and sad news–parents had died, siblings and old neighbors were gravely ill, children of friends were divorcing. When someone tells you their bad news, what do you do? “One of the things that happens when you get bad news is you go numb,” said Rita Goldhammer, a life coach specializing in grief and loss. A person who is sharing horrible news may be grief-stricken, terrified, anxious, angry, or all of those. For the friend to whom they relate the news, that is a scary combination, and most of us are uncomfortable at creating a comforting and appropriate response. “Listen, listen, listen,” said Dr. Janet Ramsey, Associate Professor of Congregational Care Leadership at Luther Seminary in St. Paul. “This is not ‘simple’; it is very difficult work.” People who have been traumatized, she went on, may need to tell their story over and over again before they can sort it out and make it a part of their lives. For most of us, being an active listener is a skill that takes a good deal of practice. Don’t feel that you must immediately offer suggestions and advice to “solve” the problem. “Our impulses,” Ramsey said, “are to offer cheap reassurances or to turn the conversation to something else to defend ourselves from feeling the anxiety and pain that bad news causes.” The Reverend Judie Ritchie, Associate Pastor of Hope Presbyterian Church in Richfield, said, “People react in two categories, hopeful or pessimistic. The hopeful optimists say ‘it won’t be that bad.’ The pessimists think it is so terrible that they make you feel worse. Let the person talk, and don’t rush in with your opinions on the matter.” To be a good listener, you need to “make it be about the other person,” Ritchie said. “People ask all kinds of insensitive questions trying to satisfy their own curiosity. Some things you don’t need to ask, or they don’t need to answer.” Ruth Peterson is a member of the Befrienders organization through her Roseville church. Befrienders go through some 20 hours of training learning how to listen and read body language as they minister to persons with ongoing or urgent needs. The techniques they employ are appropriate for anyone who seeks to offer comfort in a sad situation. Befrienders usually make contact with a person who has received bad news several weeks following the event or diagnosis. After the initial hectic activity and interest has calmed, the person who is grieving or suffering is often lonely as well. “The first thing we are taught is to go over [to a person’s home] and just sit down. Say, ‘I am so sad for you,’ and then see what happens,” Peterson said. “Sometimes the person will cry, or start spewing words, and then you can go from there. We say as little as possible. Sometimes I’ll ask if they want to tell me about what happened.” Befrienders are not trained to be social workers or therapists. “We’re just quiet background people [who] focus on listening and nodding, lots of nodding,” she said. “It is about letting the other person take charge.” Some people may not want to talk about their bad news at all. Being able to listen carefully and pick up clues is crucial, Goldhammer said. Not discussing bad news about a grave health diagnosis, for example, may indicate that the person intends to live every day to the fullest and as long as he can. “That’s a signal not to bring it up,” Goldhammer said. “He is living only in the present.” Some sentiments don’t help, and a few phrases really hurt. Never minimize another’s pain for any reason, Ritchie said. Even a good prognosis is scary, and telling a person she should be grateful because it could be worse is likely to make her feel guilty, ashamed, or misunderstood. Medical situations are always individual, so don’t give advice. What worked for your brother-in-law ten years ago is probably outdated. Allow the person to trust his own medical professionals. “What not to say,” said Ramsey, includes such statements as: “I know just how you feel.” “You’re a Christian, so you shouldn’t feel that way. You need to pray harder.” “God has some sort of purpose in mind here.” “Things will be O.K.” If a close friend relates bad news, Goldhammer said, ask when you can come over to help or just be there with her. “Maybe it’s because we’re Minnesotans,” said Ritchie, “but you may have to push people [to let you help]. You may have to say, ‘how about next Tuesday?’” One of the most difficult burdens is telling other friends, distant relatives, business associates and acquaintances the bad news, and a good friend can help by chasing down phone numbers and addresses, canceling meetings and appointments, and by letting others know what is going on. One woman, after receiving a diagnosis of very aggressive cancer, asked her best friend to pass on the word to their mutual friends because she wanted them to know, but, she said, “I just can’t do it myself.” “A really good friend can call people you aren’t ready to talk to yet, so you don’t have to tell the story ten times to ten different people,” Goldhammer said. People who have received bad news often find that managing the tasks of daily living seem monumental. Friends can offer to clean up the kitchen, bring in a meal, do laundry, run errands, or change the kitty litter. They can also do the special things that help to keep life feeling normal, such as decorating a sick person’s house for Christmas, shopping for family gifts, or planting the spring annuals. When you get bad news of an acquaintance second or third hand, Goldhammer suggested sending a card or an e-mail, or even making a phone call, to let the person know you are thinking about him or her. If you can offer help, ask if there are chores you can do, or suggest specific jobs such as shoveling snow, raking leaves, or “baby-sitting” the house during a funeral or visitation. Such offers symbolize the love and care of a friend and a community, Ramsey said. When a dear friend and colleague was diagnosed with recurrent cancer, Ramsey sent silly cards, e-mails and home baked treats. “For a different friend, I would have chosen different ways to ‘care,’” she said. “The help or support needs to be matched to the person, his or her personality, and also be appropriate for the nature of the relationship.” Avoid telling a person what he or she “should” do, but do encourage her to take care of herself. Goldhammer asks her clients to make a list of a dozen or so activities that give them pleasure and take thirty to sixty minutes, such as taking a walk or a hot bath, reading a frothy romance, or working in the garden. Then, she said, she encourages them to plan one such activity each day for themselves. Ramsey recommends “taking a holiday” from worries. A person can “give himself permission to do something pleasant for an evening or so, even though he won’t totally forget the situation,” she said. Finally, give a person time to heal and adjust to the bad news, whether it is a death in the family, diagnosis of a chronic illness, or some other misfortune. “Our society judges the level of somebody’s loss,” Goldhammer said. “And then they also often set a limit on how long someone is allowed to feel bad about something. Society’s attitude is get on with it and get over it.” But grieving any loss doesn’t stick to a schedule or even progress in orderly stages. Be prepared for the person you care about to have good and bad days, up and down times. Ask your friends who have shared their bad news for an update now and then, and be ready to listen.
|
When the News is Bad…